“Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.” John 14:27
I’m going to get personal here. At first I wasn’t sure if I would share my story, since it still seems a little odd to pour out my lady business on the internet for anyone and everyone to read, but I think my story is an important one to tell. And so here I go.
Getting pregnant when I did was not supposed to happen. And I don’t mean that in an “Oh crap this was a mistake way” but rather in a “This is a complete miracle, how did this happen?” sort of way.
Backing up…as a teen I rarely got my period every month. But when you’re 16 you don’t see this as an issue, rather you see it as a gift. I felt lucky that I didn’t have the worry about that “terrible time” every month and I never gave it a second thought.
Fast forward to almost 2 years ago. I was living in Virginia and was happily engaged to the love of my life. I started to notice that my period was becoming more and more infrequent. Instead of every month in a half to two months it was coming every three months…or not at all. I finally decided that it was time to go to a doctor and get things checked out. I remember how hard it was to break down and talk to Brett about my “issue.” First of all I thought I had months before he ever had to know about my “female problems,” I mean, didn’t that territory come with marriage? Second, I was terrified that he might see me how I saw myself; damaged, with a body that might not work properly and might cause issues for us down the road when it came to starting a family.
At my appointment I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (or PCOS). My heart sank as my kind OB/GYN explained the syndrome to me…how it may cause issues down the line such as diabetes, how it will most likely cause fertility issues, how it was very possible that I would never be able to get pregnant without the help of fertility treatments.
My heart was broken. My entire life I have known that I wanted to be a mother. I was the kind of kid in high school who would cancel her plans with friends if a family asked me to babysit on a Saturday night. Babies and me just went hand in hand. I feel such a natural peace with them, so much so that my family has jokingly nicknamed me “the baby whisperer.” And now to think that there was a chance that I would never experience pregnancy, giving birth, having my own child? It was unthinkable.
I went on to see 2 other specialists, wanting to see if the diagnosis remained the same. It did. I was immediately put on birth control to help regulate my period and to attempt to “trick” my body into ovulating. It was frustrating to hear that the only “treatment” for PCOS was staying on birth control, but how does that help you when you dream of starting a family?
Through my tears, my doubts, my dismay, Brett remained calm. He was my rock. He told me that he could see the love I have for babies, the natural talent I have for children and he just knew God would give us a child. Wasn’t I, in fact, born to be a mother? I, on the other hand, was less faithful. I started to wonder if this was a message from God to adopt, to be a foster parent, to open my heart to children that were not biologically my own. But although all those things are wonderful, it still couldn’t heal the void I felt to be pregnant, to experience birth, to create a child with the man I loved.
God was faithful. Although I doubted, although I got mad, although I had those selfish “How could you do this to me God!?” moments, he still showed me just how great he was. Because less than 2 months after I got off my birth control I was pregnant. Me, the girl who hadn’t ovulated on her own for almost a year. How it happened, I’ll never know. But I do know that it truly was a miracle. I know that it was God’s way of saying, “Silly child, didn’t you know that I’m bigger than all of this?” And he is. How could I have ever doubted that?
I know that there are good, strong Christian women who struggle with infertility so this is NOT my way of saying that if you believe in God he will make you pregnant no matter what. Sadly, that is not the case. I am simply telling my story, my miracle. I doubted, yet God prevailed. And now I know that He is bigger than a diagnosis, bigger than what any doctor could tell me, bigger than what I believed my body could or could not do.
When my specialist found out we were pregnant she laughed and started to cry with us. She too did not know how it could have happened, but who are any of us to question God’s plan?
I don’t know what will happen down the road, if getting pregnant a second time will be just as easy, or if the difficulties will start. All I know is that this experience has taught me to live in the moment and to count the blessings I have in my life right now. This baby, our little chunka noodle in the making, is already so loved, so blessed, and so incredibly special.
Celebrate the miracles in your life. 🙂