Thoughts on Motherhood

Yesterday I took our hospital therapy dog on our weekly visit to the inpatient adolescent psych unit. Normally these visits are uneventful, but this time it was a little traumatic. An autistic, non-verbal pre-teen boy came into the rec room where we were having our group session and immediately went for the dog. In one instant he was on the dog, becoming increasingly aggressive and violent. I love this dog. After spending hours with her on a daily basis, she’s like my baby. Immediately my “motherly instincts” kicked in and this pregnant lady was all over that boy, trying desperately to get him off the dog. I was frantic, thinking only of getting the dog, my “baby” to safety.

Today after work I decided to go for a bike ride to return my library books. It had stormed in the afternoon but the sky looked clear and I thought it would be okay. About 2 miles in the clouds rolled in, the sky blackened, and I realized I was not going to make it to my destination. I immediately turned around and, as the wind started whipping around me, I started peddling frantically towards home, trying to beat the storm (I failed). A few minutes in my stomach started cramping. First on one side, then spreading to the other, making peddling painful. I was scared but I knew I needed to get home fast as the thunder and lightning began. Once home, the cramping remained. This led to a complete nervous breakdown on the bathroom floor. I was positive I was contracting, that I over did it and somehow hurt the baby. After an anxious phone call to Brett, a warm shower, a cup of tea, and a few reassuring kicks from baby girl, I was back to normal, but the memory of complete panic remained.

As Mother’s Day approaches I am starting to feel the realness that is this baby. Born yet or not, I am a mother. She might still be in my womb, but I would still give my life for her safety. Motherhood is one powerful bond and for me, a complete and utter “worrier” it’s becoming increasingly hard to imagine keeping this child safe and secure her entire life. But I know God is good. Just like I can’t worry now about every child that comes in contact with the hospital dog. Just like I can’t stop riding my bike forever. Eventually you just have to stop and give your worries to God, knowing that he will provide. Motherhood is going to be tough. Full of ups and downs and possible traumatic experiences, but man oh man am I excited to start this journey.

4 thoughts on “Thoughts on Motherhood

  1. Lauren says:

    Christina – this post made me cry. It’s beautifully written.

    I know that you are going to be a wonderful mother. That baby is going to be so incredibly loved. She really couldn’t have asked to be born into a better family. And I cannot wait to meet her! xo

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