First off, I just wanted to thank everyone for their wonderful congrats and well wishes on Facebook, Instagram and on the blog. Obviously Brett and I are extremely thrilled (as would Leah, I’m sure…if she actually knew what was going on….) and we’ve loved reading everyone’s messages.
Backing up a bit….
Brett and I knew that we wanted to add baby #2 to our family sometime soon. We both grew up in families where most of our siblings have about a 2 year age gap and we really wanted the same for Leah and her sibling. However, last time I got pregnant with Leah I wasn’t expecting it to happen so fast and I ended up getting pregnant right in the middle of my half marathon training, which led to me withdrawing from the race and spectating from the sidelines instead. Since I had been training and planning on running the Miami Beach Half Marathon on March 2nd I adamantly told Brett that we were NOT allowed to get pregnant before then because I was running this race, gosh darn it! So the race went awesome and a few days after the race I jokingly said to Brett, “Okay, now we can get pregnant!” And not 3 weeks later…..we were celebrating a positive pregnancy test. Completely crazy, especially coming from me and my PCOS ravaged ovaries (for more on my first pregnancy journey, you can read here) so let’s just say we were in complete and utter shock (yet again a testament to God’s amazing grace).
Right when I got pregnant I just knew.I don’t know if that sounds crazy, or if I was just in tuned with my body, having done this before, but I just had a feeling. I felt “funny” and, one Sunday as Brett, Leah and I were playing in the backyard, I got super dizzy and almost fainted. This happened to me ALL the time when I was pregnant with Leah, so when it happened, I just looked at Brett and he gave me a knowing look in return. Low and behold, a few days later, once it was finally late enough to take a test, my intuition proved to be correct.
The start of my pregnancy felt more or less the same as my first. Tired, nauseous, but happy. And then everything changed….
I debated whether or not to share my story, since it is personal in so many ways, but then I thought about how lost, scared and helpless I’ve felt over the past few months. And if writing about my experience helps even one person who may be experiencing the same thing, it makes it all worth it. So here we go. If you do not like reading words like cervix, placenta and/or blood, you may want to stop here.
The morning of my first doctor’s appointment, at around 6 weeks along, I went to work excited and ready for my first appointment. Not 30 minutes into the day, while walking to my unit, I felt that awful “gush.” I quickly headed into the bathroom where my worst fears were confirmed. Blood…and a lot of it. I freaked. I was totally convinced that I was miscarrying right there in the hospital bathroom. I knew spotting was common in early pregnancy, but this? This was much, much more than that. Trying not to cry, I frantically made my way back to the office and immediately called Brett to come and pick me up. Since I already had an appointment scheduled for 10 am that morning, I didn’t feel the need to rush to the ER. I knew it would be better to just go home and wait as, if I was miscarrying, there was nothing they could do to stop it in the ER anyways.
The next few hours felt like an eternity. I lied on my bed praying while I counted down the minutes until we could leave for my appointment. By the time we left, the bleeding had slowed down, but not stopped. We went to the appointment and I tried to mentally prepare myself for whatever news we might hear. My doctor was amazing; kind, compassionate, saying all the right things at the right time. Unfortunately, being so early on, she didn’t want to do an ultra sound because it might be too early to see a heartbeat and she didn’t want us to freak out more if we couldn’t find one. So blood work was the only way to go, while waiting until next week to do an ultra sound. They took blood two days apart to see if my HCG levels were rising (and was therefore still pregnant). Those few days were painful and I think I drove everyone at the lab crazy, calling every 10 minutes to see if they had the results in yet. A few days later, with blood work back and an ultra sound done, we were told the (tentative) good news: I was still pregnant. The baby was hanging on.
Two weeks later, it happened again. After a panicked call to my dr’s office I was rushed to an emergency ultra sound. Again, baby was fine, but it looked like I was suffering from a tear in my placenta. It should heal, but until then, no exercise or any strenuous activity until my 12 week scan.
So the next few weeks I was insanely cautious. I did nothing strenuous, while I slowly watched all my muscles turn to jello (I don’t do no exercise well….) Every day I held my breath and prayed for no more bleeding, and as the weeks past, things were looking great. I suffered no more “issues” and I was convinced that the tear had healed and the rest of pregnancy would get back on the normal track.
Then came the morning of my 12 week scan. Again, I went to work, as my appointment was scheduled for later that morning. And again, about an hour into work, the all too familiar gush of blood.I tried not to let the panic rise, but it was impossible to stop. I was convinced that this was all behind me. It had been weeks since my last episode and the tear should have been completely healed by now. Brett and I went to my ultra sound on bated breath. All I wanted to see was that tiny heartbeat, steady and strong. Tears rolled down my cheeks when the tech showed us our baby, happily bouncing around in my womb, completely healthy and unharmed. There was no placenta tear so we were at a loss as to what was causing the bleeding. The ultra sound tech said that the baby looked great, the placenta looked healthy, my cervix was closed…basically everything was as it should be. She believed that I may be suffering from a cervical polyp, which can cause irritation and bleeding. And it can continue throughout my entire pregnancy.
I have an appointment next week and I am just praying for answers. Every time the bleeding happens I freak, fearing the worst for my baby, and every time we are shown again and again that this baby is fine. He/she is strong, healthy, and perfectly content. But that doesn’t stop the frustration, the fear, the horror that washes over me every time I experience a bleed. I’ll tell you what, I feel like these past few months have been a huge testament of my faith. I have been depending on prayer, leaning on God, crying out in fear, and giving praise and thanks, on a daily basis for MONTHS. And, although exhausting, it’s reminded me again and again that I have no control of this body. Of this pregnancy. Of this baby. This is all His. And I will continue to pray and trust that He does have a plan for this pregnancy and this child that I am carrying.
So there you have it. With all that’s going on Brett and I debated for a long time when (and if) we should publicly announce this pregnancy. But the thing is, this is such a huge part of my life right now that it felt odd to hide it. And, heaven forbid something DID happen, I would want to share and I would be dependent on the prayers and support from those around me. So, until I have an answer I just keep reminding myself how amazingly blessed I am to be carrying a child AGAIN! But….I also hope that I finally get some answers at my appointment next week so I can finally feel some peace!!! Until then, if ANYONE has any suggestions, advice, thoughts, prayers, etc for me I would greatly appreciate it!!